Starting out

I’m very new to blogging but I felt it was important to share my experiences and feelings with others so that maybe in the difficult times of grief they won’t feel as lost or weird or like they are grieving wrong.

This blog will be my personal experiences and thoughts from the grieving process.  My father passed away unexpectedly in 2013, right after Christmas.  My mother passed away unexpectedly in 2015.  After both deaths but more so after my mother’s death I searched for and read about grief and the process, but many times I found that what the articles or the books were talking about was not the process I was undergoing, which made me feel worst, like there was something wrong with me.  And as anyone who has gone through any kind of grieving can tell you the last thing you need while you are grieving is anything making it worst or making you doubt yourself!

Due to that horrible feeling, I decided I wanted to put something out there so that anyone else feeling the same way would know that they are not alone and that there is no right or correct way to grieve it is incredibly personal and everyone is on their own unique journey!

I am hoping this blog will end up being a collection of my experiences, thoughts, quotes, and images that I found or had along my journey that helped me.  Even at this point in my journey, I can tell you that I’m still grieving.

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Featured post

August the longest month ever!

So, August is a very rough month for me, my mom passed away in the beginning of the month & her birthday is the end of the month.  This year was the 2nd anniversary of my mom’s passing, it hit me harder than I expected.  This year August felt like one of the longest, most torturous month, it seemed never ending!!

I tried to figure out the reasons in which this year was harder than last.  I think the main reason the 2nd anniversary of my mom’s death was harder was because I have settled into the realization that the whole illusion & build up of my extended family involvement is not a reality.  

Last year, for the one year anniversary, we had just moved here, there was a stream of plans & a family wedding & visiting relatives for a few weeks, not on the actual date but the weeks after.  So, I had this positive bright outlook.  This was the family involvement & experience I wanted for my daughter!  This year, we have gotten to the period where our newness has worn off, there is lots of discussion, oh we will come see her play or we will help her with her fundraising but it is always followed with a no show & exaggerated apology.  

Another reason I feel this August may have been harder is because it’s an important life event for us, my daughter was getting ready to start high school ( we start in September here), & she started practice for her high school swim team.  It just really highlighted the fact that my parents were gone, they had always been super involved in her life.  So, as I’m ordering the spirit wear for her swim team & car stickers all I could think is my parents would have loved this!  My dad would have wanted the full set, shirts, stickers, & yard signs even though they lived states away.  They would have both been so proud of her & excited for her.  It really hit me hard, like it did in the beginning that all we have is us now, there are people who love us but no one loves you quiet like your parents or grandparents.  It’s a huge void, they would want to hear from her about everything, her practices, see her swim gear, actually talk to her about it, extended family doesn’t have that selfless love, it’s boring so a quick yeah we started practice is about it followed by the we will buy from you if you fund raise, spoiler they did not ( they were too “busy” to come to the car wash they promised her they would).  She also had her first meet in August, we got likes for the picture on instagram but no interest in talking to her about it, not how’d you do, etc.  She tried to talk about it at a family dinner, how she had crushed her personal bests, they just looked at her glazed over, no congrats no excitement, knife to my heart, because I know how happy & excited my parents would have been.  For back to school they did a freshman like camp day, with upper class men to help ease the fears & blend all the incoming freshmen together.  Her school is comprised of 3 complete high schools on one campus, for her home school there are around 600 incoming freshmen from multiple middle school, the kids get randomly assigned so the middle schools do not feed into a specific school, no guaranteed friends.  Then schedule pick up the next day.  My parents would have been so excited & wanted to hear all about both, be happy that she made it into advanced algebra!  My mom & I would have talked tons about my fears & stresses of my daughter going to high school, about her growing up, etc.  another huge gap of not having her to talk to anymore which was highlighted this year.  My daughter bought her first homecoming dress, for her first ever formal school dance.  There were so many firsts in August it was just wave after wave of pointing out this void in my life.

I again was counting down the days until I could just get out of August & into September, the some how safe space away from the grief.  It’s not rational, one day doesn’t change anything in reality of my grief but the month sure does, August this year felt like the vise crushing me like it did the year my mom died.  I was back to the pretty much basic thinking of just please let me survive this month.

I know this was long winded, my point is that everyone has their theories of grief or philosophies, and they all want to tell them to you, I heard a ton that the first year was the worst then it’s fine or then you are numb to it or whatever.  The truth is for me & I lay odds others out there is even after the first year there are times when grief waves come out of no where or maybe you expected them but they hit you a lot harder.  This year, this August & this anniversary were crippling to me & very unexpected.  But everyone grieves differently & everyone has that right!  We all do the best we can & keep moving forward!

2 Years

So, it has now been 2 years since my mother has passed & 4.5 years since my father passed.  The anniversary of my mom’s death still kicks my ass, for a few days, partially because we were never able to find out the exact date of death so it is a three day window to me.  Mostly, because it was the loss of the one person in the world that loved my daughter and I unconditionally, that always had our back no matter what.  

This was even more painfully obvious this year, given that the family I moved to be near who said they would be here for us has been more and more unavailable.  I’m not trying to be a whiny spoiled brat, I understand that people have their own lives and shit going on.  It’s just that it becomes obvious in a large family when after 4 months of offering to pay everyone to help you finish the last section of your daughters trampoline, because the metal got slightly bent in the move & they had the tool that could help, you are blown off, yeah sure no problem, it’ll take me less than 5 minutes no need to pay me, except all these months later the trampoline is still in the back yard with one piece missing & no help.  It’s mostly me being overly sensitive because I can’t do it alone, & because my mom gave my daughter that trampoline but it does point out the difference in family & a parent’s love.  

This year was altogether harder, it’s an important year for my daughter, she is starting high school, in August she started high school swim team.  My parents would have been super excited, super proud grandparents.  But what we are left with is family who doesn’t let us enjoy our excitement in this new chapter of life, family members who have done that, who think it’s too boring to hear her talk about anything, or who would rather talk at her about their our kids & grandkids.  I get being proud of your kids & grandkids but interrupting me or my daughter to say yours are better or did that before it hurtful, especially when she doesn’t have that person anymore to brag about her, to listen to her.  Don’t ask her if you don’t want to fully listen, it’s hurtful!  It’s also hurtful to assure her over & over again that you will support her, come to her fundraiser or event & then no show her.  My daughter & I are very laid back & independent.  We rarely ask for help, the only reason we invite family to events is because they point blank ask & force us to, so then to not show up is even worst.  

What I have learned in the last two years is that no one will ever come close to loving you like your mom.  No matter what family says you will always be at the end of their list.  I learned that I should have avoided the pressure to move closer to family after all of these years, because all of those promises do not last once you get here & it is way more painful to be 15 miles away and left out or ignored than 500 miles away & wishing you had been able to attend.  I learned that no matter how much people tell you that the petty fighting between them won’t affect you or family events it does, & they continually stick you in the middle or try to turn you against the other.  

I have learned that everyone will tell you how to grieve, try to force you to do things their way & get upset with you for not.  But most importantly I have learned that those people don’t matter, you have to grieve and process the way that works best for you & no one else.  There is no set timeline, no set guidelines for how to do things or when to do things.  My main goal in writing this blog is just that, so anyone searching will hopefully find it & see there is no wrong or right way to grieve.

I have learned that I have to focus on keeping my head above the water.  

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