So, it has now been 2 years since my mother has passed & 4.5 years since my father passed. The anniversary of my mom’s death still kicks my ass, for a few days, partially because we were never able to find out the exact date of death so it is a three day window to me. Mostly, because it was the loss of the one person in the world that loved my daughter and I unconditionally, that always had our back no matter what.
This was even more painfully obvious this year, given that the family I moved to be near who said they would be here for us has been more and more unavailable. I’m not trying to be a whiny spoiled brat, I understand that people have their own lives and shit going on. It’s just that it becomes obvious in a large family when after 4 months of offering to pay everyone to help you finish the last section of your daughters trampoline, because the metal got slightly bent in the move & they had the tool that could help, you are blown off, yeah sure no problem, it’ll take me less than 5 minutes no need to pay me, except all these months later the trampoline is still in the back yard with one piece missing & no help. It’s mostly me being overly sensitive because I can’t do it alone, & because my mom gave my daughter that trampoline but it does point out the difference in family & a parent’s love.
This year was altogether harder, it’s an important year for my daughter, she is starting high school, in August she started high school swim team. My parents would have been super excited, super proud grandparents. But what we are left with is family who doesn’t let us enjoy our excitement in this new chapter of life, family members who have done that, who think it’s too boring to hear her talk about anything, or who would rather talk at her about their our kids & grandkids. I get being proud of your kids & grandkids but interrupting me or my daughter to say yours are better or did that before it hurtful, especially when she doesn’t have that person anymore to brag about her, to listen to her. Don’t ask her if you don’t want to fully listen, it’s hurtful! It’s also hurtful to assure her over & over again that you will support her, come to her fundraiser or event & then no show her. My daughter & I are very laid back & independent. We rarely ask for help, the only reason we invite family to events is because they point blank ask & force us to, so then to not show up is even worst.
What I have learned in the last two years is that no one will ever come close to loving you like your mom. No matter what family says you will always be at the end of their list. I learned that I should have avoided the pressure to move closer to family after all of these years, because all of those promises do not last once you get here & it is way more painful to be 15 miles away and left out or ignored than 500 miles away & wishing you had been able to attend. I learned that no matter how much people tell you that the petty fighting between them won’t affect you or family events it does, & they continually stick you in the middle or try to turn you against the other.
I have learned that everyone will tell you how to grieve, try to force you to do things their way & get upset with you for not. But most importantly I have learned that those people don’t matter, you have to grieve and process the way that works best for you & no one else. There is no set timeline, no set guidelines for how to do things or when to do things. My main goal in writing this blog is just that, so anyone searching will hopefully find it & see there is no wrong or right way to grieve.
I have learned that I have to focus on keeping my head above the water.